A humorous guide to Russian business etiquette is presented, including: 1.  how to pay a bribe, 2.  how to conduct a meeting, 3.
how to behave whilst being kidnapped, 4.  how to socialize, 5.  how to travel, 6.  how to buy on he black market, 7.  how to cope
with bureaucracy, 8.  how to dress, and 9.  dating.  Humorous profiles are provided of typical Russian citizens, including: 1.  the
general director, 2.  the Russian yuppie, 3.  the model, 4.  the ultra-nationalist, 5.  the old-line apparatchik, 6.  the young
tycoon, and 7.  the gangster.

(Photograph Omitted)
There has been a lot of fuss made in recent years about the headaches of doing business in Russia.
The problem is that most of the Western companies that swept in after perestroika expected the Russians to fall to their knees in
gratitude, thanking us for delivering them from under the jackboot-heel of Communism. What most Westerners failed to realize,
however, was that the Russians had their own agenda-and their own style of doing things. They were happy to have our dollars, of
course, but had little interest in playing the money-making game our way.
(Chart Omitted)
Captioned as:  The Young Tycoon
It would be easy to interpret this as simple bad manners on the Russians' part, but the mark of successful businesspeople is the
ability to adapt to the demands of whatever country they find themselves in. Unfortunately, after realizing that they were being
played for suckers, most Western companies folded, decamped or scaled back their operations. Nevertheless, some of the ones that
stayed have been wildly successful-and there's no reason why, with the help of this guide, you can't be too.
The Russians are a very formal people and great sticklers on points of protocol and decorum. While it is true that they do not often
much care about minor details, such as the incorrect usage of one's salad fork, they are very particular about both Russians and
non-Russians failing to observe what is considered proper form.
For example, if you were the representative of a large Western company and you needed a special permit to begin operations, would
you apply to the appropriate ministry, pay the official fee and wait several months (or, more often, years) for permission to come
through? Or would you take the minister and his cronies out for a tremendous booze-up and give everyone a diamond Rolex?
Proper Russian business etiquette would clearly indicate that you should choose the latter option. But how would you know that? You
wouldn't. Being an honest businessperson, you would have gone by the book and probably blown a big deal for your company. The whole
point, of course, is to play the game the Russian way and beat them at their own game. That is why the following tips will come in
pretty handy.
HOW TO PAY A BRIBE
Vizyatka. Baksheesh. Douceur. Payola. Grease. Call it what you will, in a country where speed is a foreign concept, nothing gets
things done faster than a little well-placed bribe. There are basically two kinds of bribes in Russia: the voluntary and the
involuntary. The voluntary is an investment for the future, such as what you might give a government functionary who could provide
you with favorable treatment in an upcoming business deal. The involuntary is for the present, such as you might give the militia
(the Russian version of police) to keep them from causing you grievous bodily harm.
Great finesse is required in paying a bribe. The approach is crucial. To counteract the impression that you are in fact bribing the
recipient, you should create an atmosphere of openness and conviviality. The preferred method is the well-known Vladivostok Opening.
On presenting a suitcase full of used $100 bills to your favorite government official, it is always best to say: "Here you are, old
man. You left this at my office the other day. Thought I'd take the opportunity to return it." The bribee will appreciate your
correct observance of form, and you will be gratified by how quickly things will work out for you.
Alternatively, when dealing with the militia, employ the Cartwright-Pushkin Maneuver. It is important to mention that a militiaman
does not care whether you have committed a crime or not. So there is no point in proclaiming your innocence. He knows it as well as
you do. Nevertheless, when approached, it is still best to shuffle guiltily. Never look a militiaman in the eye, as he may take this
as an excuse to hit you. Moreover, instead of handing over the money to him, let him find it for himself-it is advisable to keep a
few loose $20's in your pocket.
HOW TO CONDUCT A MEETING
(Photograph Omitted)
Captioned as: Avoid unseemly cultural misunderstandings in the emerging Russian market with this tasteful gift: a suitcase stuffed
fill of $100 bills.
In the States, we tend to enter into business negotiations assuming that a mutually beneficial deal between two parties is the
desired result of a successful transaction. In Russia, however, people take a slightly harder edge: if the other guy is happy, then
you must be doing something wrong.
Russians also make great use of their powerful patience-they make a weapon out of it. They use it to wear you down. While the
Italians will try to beat you with their charm, the French with their cooking, the Japanese with their efficiency, the Russians will
do nothing so active: they will win by doing nothing longer than you are willing to wait. They will simply sit it out. Look how long
it took them to lose the Cold War.
Russians regard business meetings as a cross between an interrogation and a tea party. They chain-smoke, pass stale cookies, drink
brandy, and ask you the same questions over and over again. Over the course of a meeting that can drag on for several hours, nothing
may be accomplished. Which, of course, is exactly what the Russians want. They hope that their general reluctance to answer even the
simplest of your questions will make you lose the will to negotiate successfully.
The way to handle this situation is to go against all your natural instincts. Rather than becoming annoyed, and playing into their
hands, behave oppositely. Demonstrate a casual disregard for the outcome of the meeting. Fiddle with the items on the desk. Bring
out your contracts. Drop them on the floor, pick them up, and then drop your pen on the floor. Pick up the pen and, upon discovering
that it doesn't work, ask one of the Russians if they could lend you a pen. Doodle with it. Occasionally, stretch, yawn, and get up
and walk around the room.
This will make the Russians feel uncomfortable. Soon they will become annoyed by your diffidence. They are accustomed, after all, to
dealing with patronizing Westerners who try to tell them what to do. Eventually, they will get so frustrated with you that they will
make every effort to speed the meeting toward a satisfactory conclusion, just so they can get rid of you.
HOW TO BEHAVE WHILST BEING KIDNAPPED
(Photograph Omitted)
Captioned as: 2 The Gangster
(Photograph Omitted)
Captioned as: The Old-Line Apparatchik
In Russia today, kidnappings tend to be one-way contract affairs; rarely is a ransom asked for. Naturally, there has been much
dispute about proper kidnapping etiquette, and certain points need clearing up. One school feels that it is best to put up a fight
and try to run away. This, however, can be construed by your abductors as bad manners and will lead to further faux pas. The best
thing is to let them get on with it. It is advisable to feign indifference, even to make a little small talk about the weather.
Remember, be polite at all times. However, once you have been bundled off, be prepared to make a counteroffer.
You (nonchalantly): So, paying you much, is he? KIDNAPPER: Oh, yes.
You: No, I mean real money. Don't tell me you don't know the going rate?
KIDNAPPER: 'Course I do. I'm getting at least $5,00 for this job.
You: If you're being paid a kopeck under $10,000, you're being robbed. Obviously, you aren't being paid what you're worth.
Now is the time to strike. Double the offer and get them to shoot the fellow who ordered you kidnapped in the first place.
HOW TO SOCIALIZE
Russians are famous for their alcoholic intake. Vodka, brandy, whiskey-they aren't picky. (Members of the mafiya, in particular,
pride themselves on being especially hard customers, and expect their guests to demonstrate a similar aptitude for inebriation.) If
your business partners invite you out, but you feel that your head and stomach are no longer capable of participating in a Slavic
bacchanal, it is necessary to provide an excuse for your abstinence without losing your host's respect.
A surefire way to get around this is by using the Enderby Technique. Arrive at the nightclub in a wheelchair. Explain that your old
war wound is acting up, and that your doctor has you doped to the eyeballs on prescription painkillers. (Carry an unmarked bottle of
aspirin and offer it around to your hosts.) Drinking would be fatal, you tell them, but you wanted to come along anyway. Wince in
agony occasionally and, for full effect, stoically say, "I'm all right." They will respect a) the war wound; b) your capacity for
enduring pain and still going out on the town with them; and c) your willingness to share pharmaceuticals.
You can also carry a portable phone and arrange to have someone call you every I5 minutes or so. This will provide you with a good
excuse to wheel away from the table from time to time.
HOW TO TRAVEL
Russians are very car-conscious. One's status is reflected in the size, newness and expense of one's car. Currently, the automobiles
du jour are Mercedes, Jeep Cherokees, Volvos and BMWs. Russian-made cars are for losers. Therefore, to soften a Russian up before an
important meeting, it is crucial to create in him a state of anxiety by using the Improved CounterFawning Ploy, first used to such
good effect by Mr. G. R. ("Smoke") Henderson in 1992.
(Photograph Omitted)
Captioned as: Wheel and deal with your new comrades in this stylish model: its sure to elicit sympathy and respect for your war
effort.
Suppose, for instance, that your prospective Russian partner comes along to pick you up in his fancy new foreign car. Your procedure
should be as follows: I) Upon getting in, admire the car openly. 2) Comment that your wife/mother/daughter/other female member of
your family is very happy with hers but that you found it a little cramped. Wait a few moments before 3) saying that you think he's
quite right not to have bought a model with a lot of silly optional extras. "All my friends back home have them," you add, "but
honestly, if you're really rich you can do whatever you like." By now your client should be getting flustered, and it's time to
deliver the final blow. Just before arriving, 4) tell your client that he should come and visit you sometime and drive a real car.
(It is permissible at this point to invent a make or model of automobile. "I have a Doppelganger zo. Fastest car in the world.
German, of course. Only make So of them a year. Damned expensive, but worth every penny.")
HOW TO BUY ON THE BLACK MARKET
Everything is for sale in Russia. From intercontinental ballistic missiles to, as some rumors allege, Lenin's embalmed corpse. If,
for example, you are looking to replenish your stock of weaponsgrade plutonium, be sure to conduct business only with senior
officers of the Russian military. A lot of unsuspecting customers have made the mistake of dealing with third parties and
middlemen-often to their regret. Not only is the quality inferior but, if the Russian senior officers hear about it, they'll be sure
to tip off the German customs police.
Russia is an art connoisseur's paradise. Not only Russian art, but works of art from all over the world can be found on the black
market. The problem is that many of these artworks are fakes. Therefore, you must convince your suppliers that you are an expert
(even if you aren't), or else they will rob you blind. BLACK 1a (holding icon): This is the famous Black Virgin of Perm.
You (looking thoughtful): No, it's not. My uncle owns the original. Now stop trying to rob me and show me the good stuff.
The black marketeer can say nothing. He does not know your uncle (if, of course, you even have an uncle). The icon may in fact be
genuine, but odds are that he knows even less about art than you do. He will be on the defensive now-and you can make some real
bargains at this point.
HOW TO COPE WITH THE BUREAUCRACY
After spending hours passing through customs, the Marquis de Custine wrote in the memoirs of his trip through Russia in I839 that
"Russia is the land of useless formalities." Today, the situation has only deteriorated. Everything needs to be rubber-stamped at
least twice. Russians hold in almost primitive awe the thump of the stamp as it hits the paper and the look of official ink. Want to
get married? Buy a car? Start a business? Vaccinate your dog? You need a stamp. Although America has similar problems (as anyone
visiting the DMV or a post office can attest), you rarely see a Russian bureaucrat getting annoyed or, for that matter, taking to
the rooftops with a high-powered rifle. Why? He or she is too patient for that. Non-Russians sometimes think that by showing
impatience-by getting angry or annoyed-it will rouse a bureaucrat into giving up his/her stubbornness and taking some positive
action. This is a grave error. They love it when you get impatient. They know that their stonewalling is taking its toll on you.
When you start yelling or demand to see a supervisor, manager, etc., they will just ignore you.
In such situations, it is best to consider the Motherwell Feint of I994: speak at all times in a strong, clear voice. You: So, not
ready again, eh?
RUSSIAN: Problem. Is normal.
(Photograph Omitted)
Captioned as: The Ultra-Nationalist
(Photograph Omitted)
Captioned as: The "Model"
(Table Omitted)
Captioned as: A FEW HANDY RUSSIAN PHRASES
You: Fine with me. You know, Gennadi, I've decided to withdraw my application.
RUSSIAN: You can't do that.
You: Of course I can. (Pause.) And it's too bad for you, Gennadi; I liked you and was thinking of cutting you in on it. Too bad,
really. Would've been a lot of money. So long. (Slowly get up to leave.)
RUSSIAN: Wait. Stop. Is possible I can get approval today. No problem.
HOW TO DRESS
For years, Russians were considered among the worst- I dressed people on earth. Today, while many general directors and bureaucrats
may still dress in the traditional shapeless Sovietera suit, the young tycoons and crime lords have developed a taste for pricey
European designers. Therefore, it is a good idea to pack two sets of clothesone impeccable and one slightly rumpled. Quite simply,
if you know that you'll be meeting with the Soviet-era holdover, wear the Savile Row suit. If you will be seeing the more
expensively dressed associates, don your scuffed brogues and wash-'n'-wear suit, and bring your beat-up briefcase.
You will be sure to dazzle the former with your sartorial splendor and confuse the latter with your lack of it. In each case, they
will be looking to you, as the Westerner, to set the tone. Both ways, you will throw your opponent off-guard and gain the
psychological advantage.
DATING
(Photograph Omitted)
Captioned as: Bring two sets of duds-one spiffy, one iffy-to help you get from "Nyet" to "Du. "
Although love is reputed to be an international language, one has to be careful around Russian women of slipping into slang. It is
not uncommon when out on the town-whether in a wheelchair or not-for a Russian woman to approach and let you know in no uncertain
terms that she wishes to make passionate love to you. Do not be unduly flattered. Regardless of your many obvious attractions, the
astute Westerner will realize that something more than chivalry will be needed to handle this situation.
(Photograph Omitted)
Captioned as: The Russian Yuppie
(Photograph Omitted)
Captioned as: The General Director
You: Say, does your mother know you're out?
GIRL (rubbing herself suggestively against you): Sorry? No speak English.
You: Look, you're very pretty, but I'm married. GIRL (still rubbing): You like?
You: Yes, you're very nice, but I really don't think....
GIRL (rubbing harder and batting eyelashes): Twohundred dollars.
At this point, the best thing to do is act dumb.
Author Affiliation:
CHARLES DUBOW is editor of the Forbes online lifestyle service, Digital Cool (www.forbes.com).